If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
