I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
