she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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