We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
