and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you win again, gameday.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
