I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
