someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
