Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Do vagina's smell?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
