I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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