So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
