I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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