Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
