He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
