Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
