please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
God, I missed his penis.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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