just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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