If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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