HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
