At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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