we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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