True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
