I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize