you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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