my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
