Cold hands, warm shart.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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