You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
