Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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