I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
