Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
