Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's official drugs can't kill me
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
