did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
