I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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