Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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