I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
