I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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