for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
