I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
