Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i've created a new STD.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
