i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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