i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
