I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
me + whiskey = a bad person
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
