You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize