is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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