Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
