She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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