he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
