Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
