i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
