2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
