I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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