I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize