Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
