U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
