I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
