This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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