is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
