i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
How naked do you want me to be?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
