from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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