Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
