so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize